Excerpt.......from chapter 1

12

Written on Saturday, March 29, 2008 by haleigh

From chapter one - when Cole wakes up from the blast that killed his partner, and first meets Shae.
He had to escape – that much was for certain. He tried to sit up but gentle hands pushed him back down.

“Shhh,” a voice said.

He instantly relaxed. It was an angel’s voice. Smooth and soft and husky. So he was dying . The angel made more comforting noises and brushed cool fingers across his forehead. An icy cloth followed, making him groan aloud with relief.

Death was okay then, if she was how he got there. He slit open one eye to get a look at what god had provided for his last wretched moments on earth.

His angel of mercy didn’t look so hot. In fact, she looked kind of sick. Dark stringy hair was piled on top of her head, her skin was clammy, her eyes were sunken, and on top of it she smelled bad.
But maybe all was not lost. He let his eyes travel down past her neck and shoulders toward the lush body he was sure god granted him in his mercy.

He groaned aloud at what his eyes encountered. “I at least deserve boobs.” From the look that crossed her face, she caught his creaky, barely intelligible words.

“Excuse me?”

“Water.”

She held a bottle of water to his lips, though her look was still wary. He closed his eyes a second, and waited until the room stopped spinning before looking at her again.

His angel had fewer curves than a twelve-year-old Korean boy. She was skinny, with no boobs, no hips, and no…well, he couldn’t see her ass from here. Maybe there was hope for redemption yet. “Do you have an ass at least?”

She flung the washcloth she was holding directly onto his face, so that it covered his eyes. “You’re a pig, Mr. Cole. And I’m going back to bed.”

He managed to get the washcloth off his face in time to see her walking away. Yep. Great ass. “Oh come back,” he said. “I’m bleeding. You can’t leave a bleeding man to his death, can you?”

She turned back to him, her slow movements exaggerated in what he had to assume was a killer hangover from the way she smelled. Her eyes were flashing, making her look a little less hideous than she had a moment ago. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to live with my conscience.”

He tilted his lips in a crooked smile that had women all over the world swooning at his feet. “Come back, baby. Be my Florence Nightingale.”

This woman was not impressed. She backed up with a hand over her heart. “Well, that’s just about the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me.”

She turned back to the door. “Okay, okay,” he said, trying not to laugh. “I'm sorry. My mother should be ashamed of herself for raising such a reprehensible, chauvinistic monster. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m actually bleeding.”

He could see her wavering. She may not be an attractive woman, but he couldn’t help baiting her. It was kind of fun. More importantly, it distracted him from the images that just kept coming: the rubble of the ice cream store, the crater where Caleb’s car had been....

He focused back on her ass. He could only guess at the exact shape under the baggy men’s boxer shorts she was wearing, but from this angle, he’d have to rate it at least at a seven.

She turned back to him. “Are you staring at my ass?”

“Of course not.” Busted. “What kind of man would stare at your ass after that heartfelt of an apology?”

“You, apparently,” she said.

So this is where my internal editor shows up and starts bitching. "It's not original," she says. "It's a cliche. And Cole sounds like a jerk. What kind of man focuses on boobs after watching a little girl get blown to bits?"

I tell her to go away. I'm trying to write fast here. I can't worry about pesky little things like characterizations. And besides, Cole's been in Iraq for six months. The poor guy hasn't been laid in quite a while - of course he's focusing on the boobs!

"But that makes him sound superficial."

At that point, I just punched her.

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12 Comments

  1. Kelly Krysten |

    It was good. I'm ,certainly,wanting to know what happens next.
    Your internal editor will get her say eventually, but you have a great jumping off point here.Also, I like the hero and I REALLY like the heroine.

     
  2. haleigh |

    Thanks Kelly! I'm so glad you like them so far :) That makes me happy (and happy motivates me to write...). Thanks!

     
  3. Marnee Jo |

    I like them both too! I think it's good and I don't think it's cliched. And! I was thinking that boobs might be just the thing a man would use to distract himself from the messy emotions of death and gore.

    Great job!

     
  4. haleigh |

    Hey Marn - thanks! That's exactly what I was going for - what distracts a man from emotions faster than a naked women? LOL.

    How's your WIP coming?

     
  5. Marnee Jo |

    I'm not sure anything distracts men faster than a naked woman. In fact, I'm convinced they think that life distracts them from naked women, not that naked women distract from life. But, that's probably just getting caught on a technicality.

    WIP is sorta stalled. I finished up kinda a big crisis before the holiday last week and since then I've been sorta banging my head against the keyboard.

    I thought I was on track again after last night, but alas, I sit at my computer feeling unmotivated and unsure, procrastinating at my favorite blogs. LOL!

     
  6. Lisa |

    I like it Haleigh! The question is do you like it? Yes, we all have pesky internal editors, but if it works for you and bridges this scene to the next I would leave it as is.

     
  7. haleigh |

    Thanks Lisa! I like it, though I feel like it still needs a bit of work. Like someone pointed out to me this afternoon, he is quite articulate for being an inch from death :)

    Glad you liked it!

     
  8. Lisa |

    Yes he may be articulate, but it would explain his inappropriate comments to his "Angel" You could always tone it down. Or use it like an out of body near death experience. Throw in some fog and white light, yeah baby.

     
  9. Sin |

    Very nice Hal! Painted me a very good picture of the scene.

    Cole is such an ass. We all know I love an ass. The more of a dick they are, the more I pant after them.

    Shae, she's gonna be kick ass. I can feel it.

    You're doing so well! I'm so proud of you!

     
  10. haleigh |

    Yay! Thanks Christie! I'm so glad you liked it. And yes, Cole is an ass. He gets worse before he gets better :)

     
  11. Anonymous |

    I think you're doing very well. I chuckled at some parts and could really imagine everything well. Is Cole really thisclose to death or is he, like many men, a hypochondriac/big baby when it comes to ailments?
    Have you been on the receiving end of someone who has just returned from Iraq (or any deployment)? Those guys go for any female contact they can get ahold of. If they have the right parts and are willing, they're game. Keep it up. I have seem many a "Cole" in the past!

     
  12. haleigh |

    Thanks for your comments! Good to know that the "grab any girl you can" ailment is a common one :) And yes, he is actually injured - badly enough that he must keep Shae with him, even though she's a reporter. I think I said a shattered ankle, broken ribs, broken clavicle, gash on his wrist, torn rotator cuff, and a concussion severe enough to knock him out for 24 hours. So maybe not death, but certainly enough to bring down a lesser man!

     

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